---------- Forwarded Message ----------
Subject: bread
Date: Saturday 02 April 2005 04:37
From: Linda Page <
lindapage@earthlink.net>
Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For
example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
The effects are obviously cumulative:
* 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread
* 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate
bread within 6 months preceding the accident
* 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is
served frequently
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the
people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100%
mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab
rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
April Fool's
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E-Mail:
muse@glasswings.com.au
BA (Hons), MFA, PhD
http://www.glasswings.com.au/
Nothing can withstand the powers of love, laughter and imagination
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