We Have Humour on My Planet Also!

By: Lee Perkins
Copyright © 14 April 1992

PRELIMINARY REPORT: Terra, Sol III: GalCoOrd- 010101/601/DV8
Filed by: Wiv Dalot; Commander.

Attn. Academician Hurrrx. Central Data Assimilation Bureau.


I have been involved with the Social Analysis section for a period of one solar year. I respectfully submit my findings thus far in the fervent hope that the data will be of some value to our race as a whole.

...Please, be gentle.


During this period I spent some time gathering baseline data on Terran customs, along with a smattering of the local patois. Upon reaching a passable command of these, I was able to roam at will observing these strange lifeforms.

My initial location was a urban agglomerate known as "Melbourne", politico-economic nexus of the southern sector of Landmass 05. My first impressions of this "ciddy", if you will pardon the local term, were not favourable.

You may be aware that genus Homo Sapiens are per se the dominant species. Or at least, they think they are. Further analysis has proved differently. There are at least four other species in contention for this title, they are: The Lesser-Rusted Bomb, The Clamshell Burgerpak, The Barbara Cartland Paperback and lastly, The Yarra Whitefish--an aquatic sub-species of the prolific Trojan Whangbag found in vast numbers across the landmass known as the "United States".


First of all I would like to report that I was able to attend a mass-gathering of humans. It was at some terraced patch of green known as "Emceegee". Initially, I was appalled at the spectacle of two small armies entering the green area urged on by partisans seated in their respective tribal areas. Fully expecting a scene of combat and bloodshed, I readied an optical recording device to capture images for the ship's ethnographer.

No weapons were in evidence, apart from an oblate spheroid thrown and kicked at the opposing warriors. A curious reaction was elicited whenever the spheroid was propelled through any of the four vertical structures, placed at either end of the ovoid green area.

At one stage a small melee formed between the two armies and similar fighting occurred amongst those watching. The significance of this event was beyond my comprehension. I can only assume that it formed part of a ritual catharsis, calculated to purge this society of its warlike tendencies.

Its ritual nature seemed apparent as many were seen partaking of certain solid and liquid sustenances. There appears to be some stratification between the participants: some have had the foresight to provide their own, while others are compelled to purchase from wandering vendors. Naturally falling into this second category, I exchanged a quantity of local trade-tokens for this provender.

The nature of these substances is quite curious. There seems to be an obsession with cylindrical forms concurrent with the overall theme of the ritual. Rather than ingest the substances, I placed them in a stasis-pouch pending chemical analysis. For your information I have included the results obtained.

... You may wish to draw your own conclusions from this data.

SUBSTANCE ONE: Semi-solid, tripartite food complex.

Sub-unit (1): Off-white, dessicated carbohydrate agglutination.
Contains: Plant protein polysaccharides, sucrose, sodium and chloride ions, autolysed yeasts & other microflora, pulverised hexapod life-forms, keratin strands.

Notes: Sub-unit appears to have been subjected to weak thermal irradiation at various stages of production resulting in a significant loss of moisture.

Sub-unit (2): Animal-tissue/chemical matrix, encased in membrane.
Contains: Homogenous paste, composed of various multicellular proteins, lipids and unidentified monocellular forms. Wide range of chemical adjuncts: Sodium; Chlorides, Nitrates, Erythroborates. Cellulose, Creosols and Styrene monomers.

Notes: Although subjected to thermal irradiation, this product continues to exhibit biological processes. Further study recommended, as this may represent a hitherto-unknown lifeform.

Sub-unit (3): Vegetable sugar thixotrope, found covering (1) & (2).
Contains: Disrupted plant material, genus L. Esculentum. Various chemical additives, polysaccharide groupings, fermentation by-products and unknown monocellular components.

Substance is highly inimical to members of the Chryspan-Krrnchi race. Unstable chemical combinations and high acidity exist within this liquid. Material hostile to most off-world substances. Will combust violently, if exposed to either vaccuum or Gonzonium vapour.

SUBSTANCE TWO: Brown, carbonated liquid food-product.

Contains: Hydrogen/Oxygen solvent (1), Sugars, more sugars, vegetable aromatics, Phosphate-ion concentrations, Carbonic acids, Aluminium, Fluorides, and disrupted rodent foecal matter.
Notes: Primary analysis suggested this substance to be compatible with Chryspan physiology. I will now ingest a trial dosage for evaluation...

I am afraid that our Science Officer never recovered from his folly. According to the duty crew at that time, poor Muux stripped off his outer garments and fled the lab gibbering. After a frantic search of the ship, we found him in a waste-management cubicle claiming to be a light-fitting. Furthermore, he managed to exhaust the ship's entire supply of Honga to vaccuum. A delegate of the crew has informed me that mutiny is only hours away as a result of Muux's crazed actions.

....Please send more Honga, I beg you!

Oh, yes ... and a spare Science Officer, if you don't mind.


Praise The Great Chisii-Grnn!

The resupply vessel arrived today bearing vast quantities of Honga! I raise your name to the nth power, worthy Hurrrx! I could barely contain my excitement as I stood in wait for this week's ration. Once I had secured it, I rapidly left the main common-area as did most of the crew!

Alone in my berth, I placed the Honga in my favourite Snooter, a family heirloom finely decorated with ancient hunting-scenes. After making the correct observances, I luxuriated in its dampness. Ahhh... Civilization at last!


Life onboard has returned to normal. I plan to accompany a Geo- study group on one of their "digs" during the next day or so. What a strange planet this is! ... I have been here for some time now and the place never ceases to amaze me. Consider this if you will: One of our Xeno-Bio team has suggested that H.Sapiens has a mere THREE sexes... Can you believe that? (Snigger-snigger!)


That new Science Officer is just as bad as the first. He wanted to carry on from where Muux left off.... No way, Jose! I have taken several precautions: hiding the Honga and sealing the bugger in a large Mason jar. The Honga is in the drive chamber and the jar is in my cabin. Don't worry, I've punched some holes through the lid so he won't suffocate.


Frutz, our Psycher, has finally convinced Muux that he is not a light-fitting. Muux readily agrees, saying that the career prospects were really limited in any case. This looks promising.


I must apologise for the omission of reports. Even now the exact details are fragmentary at best. As far as I can gather, there was an accident in one of our labs resulting in an escape of some Terran specimens. The specimens were first picked up in the south-east quadrant of Melbourne, Ref: "Springvale". Oddly, they offered no resistance to our contact group, coming aboard of their own volition.

There are some individual recollections, all revealing a strangely similar pattern. All crew members found themselves struck from behind with some blunt object shortly before losing consciousness. The ship is a mess! Many items not actually attached to the ship have gone missing including most of our defensive capability. The interior surfaces have been coated with layers of multi-coloured pigment. In addition, I believe my wallet is missing.

... Chalk this one up to "experience" I guess!


Following the escape incident of Cycle 10, our survey team has been relocated some distance away from the area once known as Melbourne. Apparently, our erstwhile specimens discovered the full capacity of either a beam-weapon, or fission device... All rather silly, really. Needless to say it would be pointless sending further sentients into this area for quite a long time. Please pass the word along, will you?


We spent the last cycle trying to find a safe parking place. It seems that spot of bother with Melbourne got a little out of hand... Well, quite a lot, when one comes to think about it. Every few seconds we had to dodge a fairly significant detonation on the planet's surface. To the casual observer it must have looked fairly impressive, but to me it seemed such a rotten waste of valuable time and effort. Oh, well... maybe this next planet will be worth a look... Strange name though. Fancy calling it "Alderaan"!

- I wonder if they know what that really means?