Memo to the family dogs
The HMVH Corporation BBS Online
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
(that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better
than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip
addiction, but that won't kill him/her). They don't smoke or drink, don't
worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and
don't need a gazillion dollars for university - and if they get pregnant, you
can sell the children.
BA (Hons), MFA, PhD
Nothing can withstand the powers of love, laughter and imagination